Oct. 7th, 2010

sehnsucht: (Default)
Jesus. I've just been out with the people from the work who started the same time as me. I just realised I posted a similar post about them, what, two weeks ago? And therefore all my woe may be related to them instead of, you know, LIFE, but bear with me.

It was a really crowded noisy bar in the city, filled with knobs buying pink champagne for their permatanned girlfriends. I looked around my intake and realised that there was not a single person who I wanted to stick with, noone that wouldn't be an effort. Smiling awkwardly, struggling to hear... this is what it feels like, making an effort.

I almost miss the time when I just did not give a shit about anyone, and stayed at these things precisely the length of time I needed to not to be rude. But tonight I really wanted it to be good. I'm on a free pass. What am I doing back in the house at half 9?

I made a big decision this week, of which more in a while. It makes me feel like I've been walking around in this carapace made of bitterness and resentment and I've just had it lifted off me, and what is underneath is good but it's still a little raw. I'm not used to it, and I'm lonely, and I don't think that's going to get better soon, so am I up to it? And I'm making everything into a test, to see if I'm sure, and I'm not sure, not at all. But I was sitting there on the train, thinking, what is going to happen to me? I have no idea what is going to happen to me. And that, in essence, is what this is all for. That's what I'm after, and if I can just prise my hands off the bloody seatbelt for a while I might learn to swim in it, and enjoy it.

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sehnsucht

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